Unholy Bonding
by underratedchocolate
Summary: Mao gets it into his head that forcing Lucifer and Emilia on a date will save the world. Sadly for him, no one else seems to agree. There's a reason there are no demon-human-angel children running around. CRACK. NOT a Lucifer-Emilia pairing.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**: This is crack. Do not take anything that is said seriously XD Also, this is not really a Lucifer and Emilia shipping story; they will definitely not magically fall in love after their much-dreaded date. Basically Mao goes mad and becomes convinced that making Lucifer and Emilia go on a date will save the world. Sadly, no one else seems to agree.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own The Devil Is A Part-Timer!. All rights go to the respective owners.

* * *

**Chapter 1: Lucifer**

Sadao mulled it over for days in his head, like any good strategist. He debated the pros and cons, weighed the input vs. output, and considered possible repercussions and consequences. True, both parties had been hungry for his blood before, but he knew he'd always have Ashiya on his side if they went for his blood again (which was likely). If all the completely unnecessary "I am sorry for my ineptitude as your humble servant, O Great Mao-Sama One! I implore forgiveness on my disgraceful knees!" weren't enough to tell.

And they were all allies now. Maybe. Probably not. "A precariously balanced truce for the sake of living in peace as we try to make our way in this cruel world" was the nicest possible way he could describe the relationship he had with these two people.

He could bully one of them into going along with his plan.

The other one nearly ripped out his guts every time he so much as glanced at her.

He'd talk to both of them anyway, he decided.

But maybe to the one not-as-likely to forcibly-remove-his-internal-organs-using-a-plasti c-fork-and-only-a-plastic-fork first.

* * *

Hanzo Urushihara, previously known as Great Demon General Lucifer, looked at Sadao Mao, previously known as Demon King Satan.

He just looked at him. For a very long time, until Mao scratched the back of his head uncomfortably.

"Soo… how about it?" Hanzo just looked at him. And went back to his computer and potato chips, disregarding the presence of the now irked Sadao Mao.

"_Lucifer._" Mao used his I-am-the-almighty-Demon-King-and-don't-you-forget- it voice. It didn't have quite the intended effect, in his old yellow shirt and boxers, glaring menacingly at a bored Hanzo.

"Yes?"

"_Answer me._" Lucifer paused, debating whether or not to further piss off the positively steaming Demon King who had once punched his face in. He decided to live to see another day.

"Answer what? If I'll go on a date with Emi to save our troops and bring peace to Ente Isla? And the universe?" Mao nodded vigorously. "No. Absolutely not." Hanzo deadpanned, and the Demon King frowned at him.

"Why not?" he asked, sounding overly innocent. Urushihara wanted to bang his head against the wall, but that would require excess muscle movement.

"_Because I value my innards, sanity, balls, life and self-respect._"

"Self-respect? Come on, she's not bad-looking. One might call her cute. From a human perspective." Sadao hastily added, after Lucifer's eyeballs almost popped out of his sockets.

"Then why don't _you_ go on the world-saving date with her." _Damn._ But Sadao had anticipated this question. Sort of.

"Because, um, I'm busy with work." Urushihara looked at him. "Chi-san would protest." Urushihara still looked at him. _Uhh…_ "She's the Hero and I'm Satan."

"Yes, because a Demon General, specifically the one that burned down her village and killed her father, and conspired to murder her as well, is so much better." His heavy sarcasm was lost on Mao.

"Great! So you agree!"

"_No._ And you still haven't explained why a _date_, between me and Emilia no less, is going to bring peace and harmony to the world. And since when did you want peace and harmony for the world? Not that I'm questioning your goals, Mao-sama." Maybe sucking up like Alciel always did would save him. He didn't see _him_ being forced on a date with a vengeful girl sworn to be his enemy for all time that also had violent urges and stalkerish tendencies.

"Simple. It would greatly improve the… _strained_ relations between our side and her side. We would be able to go back to Ente Isla in the future without being killed. And she would have new allies behind her when she faces the corrupt Church."

"I think "strained" is a bit of an understatement, Mao."

"Details, details…"

"And you seem to have forgotten that I can't go out of the house. Wanted criminal, remember?" Urushihara grinned triumphantly.

"Eh." Mao made a vague gesture with his hand, unconcerned. "We'll give you sunglasses. A hoodie. Maybe a wig. Ashiya can give you a haircut and dye job; you look like a computer-addicted teenager who hasn't seen the sun in forever."

"Maybe because I am a computer-addicted teenager who hasn't see the sun in forever."

"Point. But either way, you're still going on this date. Or you will find yourself wishing I had broken your face again instead." Lucifer shivered at the casual yet terrifyingly threatening undertone that only Satan could project.

"Emilia's going to break my face, arms, legs and entire body."

"Possibly."

"Then Suzuno is going to re-break everything for daring to go on a date with her almighty savior, Emilia the Hero."

"Maybe."

"And no demon is ever going to take me seriously again. I'll die alone, an old bachelor who only went on one date his entire life."

"First part: yeah. Second part: well, I kind of set this up hoping you and Emilia would… I don't know, _click _(as Chi-san calls it), and then get married and settle down and you know. Children. Maybe a dog."

Poor Lucifer didn't know whether to cry or vomit on the Mao, who was beaming at him.

"Oh yes. That is perfect. AND I SUPPOSE WE WOULD HAVE DEMON-HUMAN-ANGEL _SPAWN_ THAT RUN AROUND AND SAVE THE WORLD. THAT IS, IF THEY CAN ESCAPE ALL THE RELIGIOUS HOWLING 'BLASPHEMY! YOUR EXISTENCE IS A BLIGHT ON GOD AND HUMANITY!' AND CHASING AFTER THEM!" Sadao blinked down at the Great Demon General, currently twitching on the ground after his outburst, muttering incoherently.

"You went and read my mind!"

Lucifer prayed to God that if this were all just a bad dream, he would never scheme to go back to heaven ever again.

* * *

**Omake:**

Mao left a still-agonizing Urushihara sobbing "Why me?" at the apartment and went to go get Ashiya from the nearest grocery store.

"Cucumbers…more cucumbers… and more cucumbers." Mao twitched, looking down at the two grocery bags full of the accursed green things. Alciel smiled nervously.

"CUCUMBERS ARE NOT THE ONLY SOURCE OF ENERGY FOR HUMAN BODIES. I REFUSE TO EAT THIS AGAIN FOR THE 5TH WEEK IN A ROW. _I REFUSE._" He crossed his arms and pouted. Ashiya began to sweat.

"B-but Mao-sama…"

"_I REFUSE_."

"…"

"I'll eat three meals a day at MgRonalds." Ashiya's face went ashen. _How underhanded._

"…fine."

If one were to observe the entrance to 24/7 Grocery Store, they would discover a young man skipping happily and singing "No more cucumbers, no more cucumbers", closely followed by a not-as-cheerful young man muttering "budget confinements" and "hamburgers".And they would hastily go their merry way, understandably terrified by senile young men of the modern world.

* * *

**A/N**: This isn't going to be a long-term story, probably three chapters. Mao tells Lucifer, Mao tells Emilia, The Date. Review!


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Get ready for some mild sexual tension XD (And really, you can imagine that it's there between pretty much anyone) Emilia is violent. I'm sorry. It's just that sometimes Emilia and Mao remind me of Ayano and Kazuma from Kaze no Stigma so I accidentally blended their personalities at places. OOPS.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own The Devil is a Part-Timer!.

* * *

**Chapter 2: Emilia**

Mao was a smart man.

Well, given that he had the capability to take over an entire world, he had to have been not an idiot.

But that was a whole other story. About how he had killed a lot of people causing Emi to hate him causing her to defeat him causing him to flee to another world causing her to follow him like the good Hero she was causing them to end up here.

Right back where they started.

"… your apartment is bigger than the one I live in." He resisted the urge to slap himself upside the head as Emilia stared at the suspiciously nonchalant man sipping tea on her couch.

"You came all this way just to say that."

"…yes." She was not amused.

_Geez, sorry for trying to be humorous once in a while,_ he thought, perspiration beading on his forehead.

He'd completely disregarded the Number 1 Rule in the Handbook For Evil Leaders Trying To Take Over The World: _Always plan every step through._

Sadao basically dumped Ashiya at the Devil's Castle to deal with a still-sobbing Lucifer, and rode right over on Dullahan.

_How do you even know where she lives-_

"Actually, I was joking. Haha." He cleared his throat loudly. Emi was still not amused. "I wanted to ask you to meet me for lunch tomorrow-"

All he knew was one second he was sitting peacefully drinking his nice herbal tea and the next second he was pinned to a wall, Emi's left hand choking his neck and eyes bulging out, right hand brandishing a kitchen knife menacingly.

"_Are you asking me to rendezvous with you how dare you assume such things you dirty, disgraceful pervert of the lowest kind of scum-_"

Mao frantically grasped at Emi's left hand, and she quickly let go of his neck. She stared down at the wheezing Mao murderously, not yet done with her tirade.

"_Why did you go for my hand you PERVERT I swear I will castrate you-_"

"To… discuss… business…about…Ente…Isla…" Sadao gasped out. Emi paused her rant and blinked.

"Oh. Then why didn't you say so?" She looked slightly embarrassed as she helped Mao to his feet.

"I was trying to…" he said weakly. "Then you jumped me."

Emi punched him.

"OWWWWWWWW- EMI WHY ARE YOU HITTING ME I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING BAD-"

"…oh." She looked almost apologetic. Mao squinted at her through the haze of pain and saw her cheeks were a tomato red. It was pretty amusing, actually. But he wasn't going to say that aloud for fear of more physical retribution.

"Just… don't ever say a girl jumped you. Or you jumped a girl. Just don't use 'jump' unless it's like 'jump rope'." Emi said quietly, cheeks still on fire. "And don't say 'rendezvous' either." She added as an afterthought.

"You were the one that said 'rendezvous'. Hypocrite." He pointed an accusing finger at the offender, who scowled at him. "And why? What's so bad about 'jump'?" Emi turned an even deeper shade of red. It was almost purple.

"Mao… when people… um, _jump_ other people…" Emi began haltingly, and Mao made an impatient gesture for her to continue. "They don't always mean 'attack suddenly'." She paused again.

"Just spit it out." Emi glared at him, clearly not liking his tone.

"_IT MEANS THEY PUSHED YOU AGAINST SOME FLAT SURFACE AND RIPPED OFF YOUR CLOTHES AND PASSIONATELY MADE OUT WITH YOU. MAYBE MORE._" She slapped a hand over her mouth, cheeks now officially purple with mortification. Mao went silent for a few moments.

"…I'm sure now all your neighbors know what 'jumping' means too."

"Shut up. It's all your fault."

"You know, you did kind of jump me in that sense." Emi's eyebrow twitched dangerously, and the kitchen knife she was still holding was now too close to him for his liking. "Without the last part. Without the last part." He added hastily, inching away from the still-steaming female next to him.

"But there was a flat surface. And definitely passion. Lots and lots of passion." He nodded thoughtfully, as Emi banged her head on the wall in the background.

"Don't use 'passion' when describing a man and woman together either." Sadao rolled his eyes at her.

"Whatever."

"…Let's just pretend this entire thing didn't happen."

"Easy for you to say. You're not the one with bruise marks all over."

"Can we please never speak of this again."

"You sure were pretty red back there, Emi."

"_Mao, mention one word of this to anyone, ever, and I will personally make sure you wished you were never born._"

"…okay."

* * *

"_Mao-sama!_" Alciel gaped at his master standing in the doorway, and went rigid with horror. "_Y-y-your face a-and neck and-_"

"Hello, Ashiya." Mao tried to grin cheerily at his aghast friend, but it came out closer to a grimace than anything.

"Who did this to you?!" He bristled with indignation. Urushihara yawned in the background. "I shall immediately go track them down and exact revenge-"

"Don't bother. It was Emilia." Hanzo's dry remark made Ashiya snap his head to where the former was casually sipping his soda, then back to Mao, then to Hanzo, back and forth and back and forth and back and-

"Please don't hurt yourself."

"Yes yes- _why is the Hero beating you up for no reason?!_"

"I wouldn't say _no_ reason. How'd you even manage to come out alive anyways, Mao?" Urushihara raised an eyebrow at Mao, who shrugged.

"I didn't even tell her. I just told her to 'meet to discuss Ente Isla business'." Hanzo visibly paled, dropping his soda.

"You… didn't even… tell her…" he said weakly, suddenly looking very sick. Mao nodded sheepishly. "Yet she already beat you to a bloody pulp." He gulped, shutting his eyes.

"What exactly did you do to piss her off so much, Mao-sama? You look worse than Lucifer when you smashed his face in." Ashiya smirked at Urushihara, who didn't notice and was currently babbling "Why me?" on the ground again.

"I didn't really do anything. But apparently there is a lot of innuendo in the human language…"

"Then what is this big thing that neither of you are telling me?" Urushihara looked up bleakly. They spoke at exactly the same time.

"I set Emilia and Urushihara up on a date in order to bring peace to beings everywhere."

"I have been forced to sacrifice my innards and sanity in order to satisfy the Satan King's whim that a date between two sworn enemies is somehow going to solve everyone's problems."

"…Ah."

"It sounds silly, but it's really a great plan, Ashiya."

"…"

"… I'm sorry Mao-sama, but I'm leaning more towards Urushihara's stance."

"Thank you! Thank you! Someone in this household finally makes sense and doesn't want to turn my life into a living hell!"

"…you're both going to go with my plan. Or suffer the consequences. Don't look at me like that Ashiya, that was an order."

("…blackmail.")

"I'm sorry, did someone say something?"

"No, Mao-_sama_."

"Now now, don't be so poisonous, Urushihara."

"You'd be spitting poison if you were being forced on a date with the living embodiment of female wrath."

"Sacrifices must be made for the common good."

"Stop being so preachy-preachy."

"Ashiya, back me up here."

"I'm sorry Mao-sama, but I fear that you have gone insane."

"I hate you all."

"T feeling is mutual, Mao-_sama_."

"Again with that poisonous tone."

"Hn. So you're basically tricking Emi into this… _date_?"

"…"

"… you know, we should all just go make our wills right now. And maybe buy life insurance."

"NO, DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH LIFE INSURANCE COSTS?!"

"…is that all you care about, Ashiya?"

"…"

"If I had known life would've been like this, I would've stayed with Olba."

"If you had stayed with Olba, you would be either on the run or unconscious right now."

"I'd take that any day over _this_."

"He's got a point, Mao-sama."

"Both of you shut up. That's an order."

"…"

"Yet you still manage to convey so much hatred with just silence, Lucifer."

* * *

**A/N:** Don't you just love the Mao-Ashiya-Urushihara dynamics? Review! Only one more chapter to go, this story is pretty short ^^


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: The Date**

**A/N:** Oops. This may or may not have developed into a slight Mao-Emilia ship. Ahahahaha nothing too obvious, just the usual sexual tension they are so good at doing. What can I say, it just happens naturally with them ;)

Get ready for some awesome Suzuno action :D

**Disclaimer:** I do not own The Devil is a Part-Timer!.

* * *

The next morning, Mao and Urushihara were awakened by Ashiya's bloodcurdling scream.

One might say this is a very, very bad sign and that everyone should just stay in bed and forget about arranged dates and violent women and dangerous things like that.

Lucifer would agree.

However, Mao (the one who really calls the shots), just rubbed his eyes groggily and said, "What's the matter, Alciel?"

"_She, she- why is she here?_" Ashiya pointed a shaking finger at the aforementioned person, who turned her eerie gaze on Mao, who shivered in spite of himself.

Hey, any person in their right mind would be a little scared if they woke up to an assassin who killed with a giant mallet staring down at you.

"Hello, Suzuno-san." Mao offered the girl a timid smile. She did not smile back.

"I wish to accompany you on your… _business meeting_ with Emilia." All three great demons quivered internally (and externally) at her quiet, yet dangerous tone.

Mao decided he needed to learn how to project a threatening aura with such little effort. It might come in handy, like when he wanted people to shut up. Cough.

"And if we were to say no?" One would wonder at Mao's bravery.

"Then I would come anyway. I just thought it would be polite to ask." she said breezily. "And why is your hair short and black and spiky?" Lucifer scowled.

"He can't go out of the house, he's a wanted criminal. But with sunglasses, and a new hairdo, we can pull this off."

"Ah. By the way, I know that this 'business meeting' is actually a date." The three men felt their blood freeze.

"Wh-wh-wh-what, no it's a business meeting! Seriously!" Mao waved his hands desperatedly. Suzuno looked at his coolly.

"If you're going to lie, at least keep your windows shut and lower your voices. A lot. I heard _every single thing_ you said yesterday. _Everything._" They gulped. "But I think it's a decent idea." They stared at her, dumbfounded. She rolled her eyes.

"Huh?"

"It makes sense; I heard Mao's explanation to Urushihara. But let me warn you, Emilia is definitely not going to agree with me. And I feel no obligation to stop her when she beats all your brains out." Ashiya could've sworn Suzuno just smirked at them, but he blinked and her face was it's usual blank slate.

* * *

"I feel like a guinea pig being led to its slaughter."

"That's the 7th time you've said that."

"Shut up, you two. Lucifer, why are you so disoriented? It's like sunlight confuses you." The guinea pig being lead to slaughter was wearing black. Pure black. Black hoodie, black t-shirt, black pants, black shoes, black sunglasses… even his hair was black.

"A lot of things confuse him, Mao-sama. And by the way, how much did this new wardrobe cost? Because I calculated our monthly budget and if you add the extra splurge on groceries yesterday then we-"

"Shut up, Ashiya. Sacrifices must be made for peace."

"And yet, you are the only one not making sacrifices, Mao-_sama_."

"Excuse me?! Do you not see these bruises and claw marks?!"

"You know, Lucifer, you clean up nicely." Suzuno butted in, wanting to ease her increasing headache. Who knew demons could talk so much?

"_WHAT?!_" Mao and Ashiya gaped at her. Urushihara looked annoyed.

"Why are you two surprised? I've always been more to the attractive side."

"I'm not calling you attractive, Urushihara. Let us not mistake my intentions." Suzuno turned her infamous gaze on Lucifer, who nodded nervously. "I'm just saying you look better than the pasty NEET with overgrown purple hair I last saw. And that's not saying much." Mao and Ashiya snickered at Lucifer's mildly insulted front.

But in reality, Suzuno probably _did_ find Lucifer to be attractive. No one can have spiky black hair and purple eyes and not be at least a tad good-looking.

Then again, she was Suzuno.

* * *

"… why are you all here?" Mao, Ashiya, and Urushihara jumped a mile into the air at Emilia's voice from behind them, banging into the table.

"How devious…" Ashiya muttered, and Mao had to agree. All three of them had been watching the front door in a rather hawk-like manner.

Never would they have imagined there was a side door.

"Emilia." Suzuno bowed deeply.

"Suzuno! Why are you here as well?" Emi said with surprise, casting a suspicious side-glance at Mao, who smiled forcedly. "And who are you?" she asked Lucifer, who pulled his hood down lower and didn't answer.

"That's Urushihara." Mao answered for him, casting a glare at the aforementioned person, who sank lower in his seat.

"What? No, I'm… uh, Momo. Nice to meet you!" Urushihara said in a strangled high voice, scooting away from the confused Emilia and facepalming Mao.

"That's actually Urushihara." Suzuno snorted. "He's terrified of you."

"Enough to change hair color and identity?" Emilia looked around the table incredulously.

"He's a wanted criminal, remember? He can't actually go out of the house looking like himself. And what Suzuno said is not true at all. _Hanzo _here-" Mao gritted his teeth and clapped Urushihara (who was trying to disappear into his hoodie and never come out again) hard on the back, "is so happy to see you! In fact, he's been moaning on the floor and writing poetry out of the angst of missing you! He loves you, Emilia!" Cue Mao beaming amidst raining roses.

"Whaaaat?" Emilia looked extremely lost, Mao was now smiling a little fixedly, Ashiya had faceplanted on the table, Suzuno look disinterested, people around the café were staring at Mao, and Urushihara… well, Urushihara was cowering underneath the table.

Wouldn't you?

"…I-I… I think you overdid it, Mao-sama."

"Oh my goodness, you guys are all incompetent little wussies. _I'll_ explain to Emilia." Suzuno said impatiently, tapping her foot. She ignored the frantic slashing motions Mao and Ashiya were making at her. "Mao set you and Lucifer up on a date because he thinks it will save the world. I agree with him. If you two were to decide to get married, it would symbolize a newly made union between demons and humans, thus ending a very long war. When we return to Ente Isla, Mao & Company wouldn't be killed under your protection. In return, you would have a whole new force behind you when you go against the corrupt Church."

Dead silence reigned.

"You know… that actually makes a lot of sense. But I refuse to get married to Urushihara. Even if he does clean up nicely." Emilia said thoughtfully.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"_WHAT?!_" Emilia and Suzuno politely put their hands over their ears at the simultaneously huge outburst from Mao and Ashiya. Urushihara was busy thanking the heavens.

"So, so, so… you're not going to beat us into a bloody pulp?"

"Why would I? I'd only get arrested for assault." Emi reasoned. "Well. If Suzuno hadn't made it seem perfectly reasonable, maybe I would've." She relented after getting a round of disbelieving looks.

"Also, this is not even a date. A date is between two people, alone. Not with a crowd of spectators." She looked amused. Mao perked up.

"So if we dumped you alone with Hanzo then-"

"_Absolutely not._" Urushihara roared, glaring daggers at Mao.

"That is not possible. I do not trust Lucifer alone with Emilia." Suzuno said coolly. Lucifer looked as if he didn't know if he was supposed to feel relieved or insulted.

"…so I got beat up by Emilia for _nothing_?!" Mao yelped, groaning. Emilia smirked behind her tea. "And why do you never see any common sense when you're interacting with me?" He accused the now-scowling girl.

"Do you _want_ to get beat up again?"

"Do you want to get arrested? See, you lose all common sense when you're with me!"

"You know, I read in my research that when humans are in love, they forget what common sense is."

"…_No way._" Ashiya's jaw went slack.

"_SUZUNO._"

"I also read that hostility is suppressed sexual attraction."

"_Suzuno, I will break your neck_-"

"Emilia, please. Do you want to give off the impression that you are in love with me as well?"

"Oi, Emi. You're in love with me?" Mao raised his eyebrows. Emi slammed her head on the table.

"I told you you should've gone on this world-changing date instead of me." Lucifer said smugly. Emilia's eyes flashed murderously and she said a few no-no words.

"I. Do. Not. Love. Mao. And. Never. Will."

"I read somewhere that you should 'never say never'."

"That's just a pop song from the West, Suzuno."

* * *

And they all lived happily ever after.

Someone did end up making that 'bond' though. And their children are being chased around by the religious, like Lucifer predicted.

So which couple(s) had the mixed spawn?

That's up to you shippers to decided.

Peace out.

* * *

**A/N:** That was fun XD Review! Remember, do not take anything seriously. This is a kind-of parody.


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